The Book of Ages

Nick Neopia


Nick Neopia was featured as the tour guide to the totally radical new Neopetz: the 2003 April Fools Joke, as well as an associated site redesign in 2020. In 2023, after spending 3 years becoming increasingly obsessed with conspiracy theories, he launched the Sceptic Tank, a meeting place for follow conspiracy theorists.


Hello fellow freethinker! I see you clicked on my ad because you are interested in the truth. Welcome… to the Sceptic Tank!
Mavericks like us need to stick together. Unlike the other Babaas around here, we, the true sceptics, can see what’s really going on behind the scenes…
It was only after The Neopets Team and I once again parted ways… exactly three years to this day… that I finally achieved mental clarity. The team had once again rejected incredibly brilliant ideas from yours truly, which utterly baffled me… Even after I had changed my own last name to be more on-brand, why would they possibly continue to turn down ideas worth their weight in Neopoints? Then it finally dawned on me…
The only rational explanation for their persistent resistance to the shining progresses my ingenious brain-blossoms offered, was that TNT was hiding something. Something terrible… Something sinister… Something so ghastly and appalling, that they would rather continue to toil in mediocrity than ever dare let me into their inner circle….
So, for the last 36 months I’ve lived completely off the grid, covertly researching the many skeletons TNT has been trying to keep locked away in their closet, and I’m not talking about customisation here! After years of conducting non-peer-reviewed research, travelling to the darkest corners of Neopia to compile evidence, I’ve unearthed horrid truths that would disgust even Meuka himself. The more secrets I uncovered, the more my resolve grew. I knew that all of Neopia had the right to know the truth TNT was desperately hiding from them, and thus, Sceptic Tank was born!
You might be sceptical about the veracity of Sceptic Tank, to which I say… well done! You, my friend, have the makings of a true sceptic. We must question everything, constantly and incessantly, never actually learning technical skills relevant to the topic of course, but vehemently voicing our questions and criticism all the same! So, I implore you, fellow Neopians, to click around, and decide the truth for yourself.
You never know what you might find… if you take the time to look!
Cryptid sightings around Neopia have skyrocketed lately, from a mysterious aquatic creature surfacing in Kiko Lake to the rumoured Chupacachia sightings around Meridell, there is no end to stories of mysterious creatures all over Neopia. The most dangerous of which lately has been the beast spotted around Terror Mountain, dubbed by the locals as “Largepaw” due to its massive footprints. It’s been spotted multiple times by visitors, often in Snowbeast territory, but although it’s been rampaging and terrifying tourists across Terror Mountain, TNT doesn’t want you to know about it. Yes, my friends, these cryptid reports are often quickly snuffed out before they can circulate to the mainstream, and elitist publishers like the Neopian Times would never dare print on any of it! What logical reason could explain this? Mass hallucinations? New Mutant colours? Pure coincidence? I think NOT!
These are coordinated efforts by TNT to obscure failed experiments they abandoned! Every time they design a new colour they create early versions they call “sketches” or “concepts”, according to a source I cannot reveal. This informant explained that these sketches are attempts at perfecting the look of the next Neopet colour, often described by her as “gooby” or “doofy”. However… this can sometimes result in unimaginable creatures far too dangerous to be wandering Neopia. And what does TNT do to these failed “concepts”? They brush them under the rug. Make them disappear from the media, the public eye, and Neopia altogether. All the while making those of us that find and document these creatures, seem like deluded crackpots as they make all evidence of these creatures’ existence disappear without a trace!
For years now many Neopians have wondered about Illusen and Jhudora’s past. The reasoning behind their disdain for one another. Is it a deep unsatiated hatred between Earth and Dark? The aftermath of a dramatic and tearful end to a long friendship? Or perhaps it has something to do with the deep longing for a happy past that you can see in their eyes each time they pass one another... Sure, there’s the rumour of Jhudora running Illusen out of Faerieland so that she would never be able to reveal a vile act the Dark Faerie performed, but all of those are simply too easy and to be honest too vague. Just how TNT likes it! For if they revealed any true facts, the illusion of grandeur they’ve worked so hard to protect would be shattered! That’s right! There is no big, exciting secret! In fact, the truth is far more mundane than the liars over at TNT would ever want you to know!
But I’m here to tell you the truth no matter what! Utilizing my deep diving and super-secret sleuth-detecting skills I went deep undercover and interviewed a multitude of Neopians that were tied to each of these faeries’ past. And okay yeah, I couldn’t get anyone like Fyora to return my calls, but I was able to talk with much trustier Neopians like the hairstylist Jhudora went to once before threatening to turn her into a Slorg and Illusen’s long-time grocery store clerk who would check her groceries out from time to time! The truth is always in the details that these fine citizens see with their own eyes every day! After talking to many such citizens, the only connection I could find that wasn’t simply the hearsay of others was that many many years ago there was a baking competition where they both competed...or at least it appears they both did. Judora’s name was spelt a little odd with like a random i and an h at the end or something like that, but I’m positive that was just her trying to hide her identity! And as it turns out Illusen won the contest and soon after left for Meridell! SO the truth is simple! It was jealousy all along, nothing more nothing less! It may not be entertaining, but at least I’m not dragging you along like those snooty liars at TNT!
For years now Faeries of all kinds have asked Neopians for random item after random item even though one would think a magical being with wings could get these things for themselves with ease! But no, they come and demand things from the busy, hardworking Neopets of the world with the promises of gifts in return, and sure a dunk in the rainbow pool is a pretty cool reward, but do you know what’s even cooler? The truth! The faeries have been hired by TNT to keep us Neopians too busy running around Neopia looking for “the right shoe of a left-handed Skarl” or whatever wild item they can think of, so you don’t have time to question the bigger picture!
Wake up Neopians! It is time to see the faeries for what they are - pawns in the bigger game that TNT calls life! They are just using them to lure you in with a false sense of fun and then bam you’re stuck with an award from the Air Faerie... That is how it works still, right? The faeries kind of stopped coming to me with request after what they said was the “umpteenth time I ‘invaded’ their ‘personal space’ in order to ‘bombard them with questions’”, but we all know that’s just code for I was getting too close to the truth! So, l say it’s time we band together and outright refuse to participate in their manipulative tactics to distract until they tell us the truth about TNT...or at the very least let me participate again, you know so I can get to the truth for us all!
TNT has been using the Mind Control Laboratory to influence the Neopian Stock market and brainwash innocent Neopians. The proof is in the pudding, and by that, I mean the chocolate factory. That Kiko Shopkeep has been under TNT’s thumb for years! It’s exactly why I’m never invited to the annual Chocolate Ball. They can’t let me get that close, they know a sharp intellect such as mine would expose the truth in no time! This conspiracy goes far beyond the Chocolate Factory Shopkeeper. A number of prominent Neopians across the globe, such as Loic, Ellia, Tippens, and Donny, are under their influence. These globalists have access to MIND CONTROL technology, and they are using it to bend Neopia to their will. Still not convinced? Take a look at this suspicious location I found during my voyage to Virtupets SpaceStation:
"What? There's no "Mind Control Laboratory" here on the space station. I don't know what you're talking about. Sloth would never take control of the servers run by those pesky Neopets Staff people, so you must be mistaken…"
Clear collusion between Dr. Sloth and TNT! They are toying with us here, my fellow Neopians. Right out in the open, practically laughing in our faces! Clearly, they made some sort of arrangement with Dr. Sloth and have access to a number of his most dangerous inventions, including the Mind Control Laboratory! As for their proposed arrangement with Dr. Sloth, one has to wonder what he stood to gain from their backroom deal. I wouldn’t be surprised if, right now, they were plotting ways to pay him back by freeing him from the Space Faerie’s Token…
Lutari Island – an island that has been impossible to reach by swimming or flying for up to a decade now, not only is it impossible to get to but it also somehow is never in the same place twice! People who have tried to approach its shores say they couldn’t even see land due to the storm clouds and fog surrounding it! The suspicious behaviour of this island only grew when I asked a Lutari what the island is like! And I quote, “A beautiful island originally but all the change in weather has made it sadly unlivable for years now.” He then went on to say other things, but I have deemed them unimportant as not a single part of it could have possibly been true! Put the pieces together Neopians! As we all know TNT most certainly controls the weather, add that with this island that moves around freely, and no one knows what it even looks like now, what else could it possibly be but one big lie? But I’m here to tell you the truth about this “island.”
It is obvious that what we all know as “Lutari Island” is a cover for what could only be a large-scale moving surveillance drone put in place by TNT to keep tabs on all of the fine citizens of Neopia! Just think about it! TNT somehow knows a lot more than they ever should! They know how much Neopoints we have, what’s in our Security Deposit Boxes, heck they probably even know what we had for lunch today! How could they know this without the help of a high-powered security system! And for them to have room to fit one that is strong enough for all that, well, it would need to be the size of island!

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Nick is also the mascot for TNT's tumblr. 'Neopia' is not his original surname.

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